As mayor of San Francisco I intend to teach every man, woman, transgendered person, and child how to play the harmonica. But I won’t stop there: I will teach the seals how to play. “A harmonica in every pocket and a box of Rice-A-Roni in every cupboard” will be the motto of my administration, except for the seals, who favor the banjo and chicken fried rice. Because I am a liberal (that’s right—I said it out loud) my administration will be broad-based and diverse.
For instance, I am pleased to announce that Shahram Shirazi will be my campaign manager. Shahram represents an often misunderstand community in San Francisco: conservative business people. In spite of the fact that I am a pinko, knee-jerk liberal, I will listen to Shahram, who brings the added depth of representing a second minority group: he is from Atherton.
But my efforts to represent all sides of our community in my administration won’t stop with conservative businessmen from Atherton. I will also reach out to the much maligned members of the bass-playing community and appoint David Golia as the city treasurer. Like all municipalities, San Francisco is facing budget woes. It’s time we thought outside the box about our revenues, and I think David is the man to take on this task. Recently, David and I went on a weekend fact-finding trip to Las Vegas, where David learned that our own world-champion San Francisco Giants were 15 to 1 to win the 2011 World Series.
“I’m taking those odds!” said David, who says 6 to 1 would have been more reasonable, because we are the champions of the world!
But this disrespect on the part of the odds makers could be good news for our city. As Treasurer, David could invest our city revenues at 15 to 1. Come October, we’ll be raking in the dough! We’ll be rich! As a city, that is. And all because David has found the unique revenue stream of betting our tax dollars on sure things in Vegas.
This is the kind of creative, innovative, and possibly illegal thinking that will be the hallmark of my administration. And I won’t be afraid to take on special interests, as well. For instance, I will track down the group that has been producing all this fog and curtail their activities. Enough is enough!
But although I am a liberal, I am not opposed to business and expansion. We need jobs, and we need room to grow. Therefore, I am announcing immediately, before I am even in office, that Sausalito and the Farallon Islands will become part of San Francisco. That’s right: we are annexing these nearby properties. Sausalito is a very attractive town, and I can’t see the logic of its not being a part of San Francisco—I think most will agree. Possession of the Farallons will aid in our defense against foreign powers such as Los Angeles.
Fellow San Franciscans, or residents of Frisco, as we prefer to be called, these are heady days. There is danger on our port bow, but the sun is shining aft. Together, united as one diverse voice for freedom, we can once again reestablish San Francisco is the most important city on the continent’s West Coast north of Daly City and south of Eureka. And God bless the Farallons.