Willie Brown

Because I am running for mayor of San Francisco, I think it is important that we clarify a few important facts:

According to Wikipedia, the 2011 San Francisco mayoral election will be held on Tuesday, November 8, 2011, to elect the 44th mayor for San Francisco. Who knew? I’m glad I checked—I’ll need to make sure I’m in town for my victory party.

According to the June 30 New York Times article “San Francisco Is Awash with Mayoral Candidates,” there are “anywhere from 9 to 37 people running to become mayor of San Francisco.” I thought the New York Times was supposed to be a quality newspaper, and yet there was no mention of my candidacy. Just type “Sam Barry for mayor” into Google and it will become manifestly evident that I am a serious candidate. That should be 9 to 38, Mr. Jesse McKinley reporter person.

By the way, if you do that Google search you’ll also come across some references to Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington DC. Let me put the rumors to rest—Mr. Barry was not my father. Nor did we ever party together, though it sounds like I missed out on some good times. Marion Barry was, in fact, my mother, but the Marion Barry who was my mother was an entirely different person from the former mayor Marion Barry.

Now for a status update on my campaign. Here’s what we’ve done so far:

• Printed 1,000 bumper stickers, designed by artist and model Jennifer Jensen
• Put the bumper sticker on our car
• Distributed bumper stickers to the crew and audience of Sedge Thomson’s West Coast Live
• My wife Kathi, producer of West Coast Live, also bought the votes of the crew with cookies
• Distributed bumper stickers to the staff of HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers
• Distributed bumper stickers to my harmonica and piano students
• Distributed bumper stickers to people at a party at Kevin Hunsanger and Alia Volz’s house
• Investor and inventor Larry Gay got one of my bumper stickers into the hands of legendary politician Willie Brown
• Announced my candidacy at Los Train Wreck’s monthly jam at El Rio (and handed out bumper stickers)

Many candidates would look at this list of accomplishments, pat themselves on the back, and say “Job well done!” But that’s not me. I plan to fight tirelessly for the job of mayor, just as I will fight tirelessly for you, Mr. and Ms. San Francisco, as well as your children and pets, once I get the job.

There are some politicians on both sides of the aisle, and some of them right in the aisle, who claim to be working for the greater good when in fact they are only interested in one thing—getting reelected. These nogoodniks stoke the rancor of public debate for their own nefarious purposes, while we, the American people, are left to pick up the check of their sumptuous meals, metaphorically speaking.

I am not that kind of politician. I will not hide behind false promises and phony principles. You won’t have to read my lips, because I’ll just say it out loud. Also, I will type it in the next sentence. Citizens of San Francisco, you can count on me to be up front about the fact that my only interest is getting elected and reelected; I don’t really give a damn about much else. I just want the title.

This weekend the American people will celebrate the nation’s birth by taking time off from our busy schedules looking for jobs and playing video games to set off small explosives in celebration of the birth of our nation. Here in San Francisco we will celebrate July 4^th with a fireworks demonstration over the bay that no one will see because of dense fog. (Fog on July 4^th in San Francisco is guaranteed, just as rain is guaranteed for the Chinese New Years Parade. Any place that is experiencing drought should pay the San Francisco Chinese community to parade there, with Ben Fong-Torres doing the play-by-play, because it will be sure to rain.)

As we celebrate our independence, let us hearken back to the words of one of our great statesman, Willie Brown, who said: “In politics, a lie unanswered becomes truth within 24 hours.”

Words to live by, San Francisco.